The 40-70 Rule: Conversation Starters-Continued

You’re Going to Wear That?

You’re planning a birthday party for your 85-year-old mother and she insists on wearing her favorite blue dress. Because her eyesight is poor, she can’t see that the dress is stained and worn. What do you do?

It’s important to determine whether this is really an issue – that the stains are worth addressing with your mother. If so, be direct: “Mom, did you know that your party dress is stained?” Then offer to have it cleaned or, better yet, suggest a shopping trip: “Mom, this is a really special occasion. I’d love to buy you a new outfit. Let’s go shopping.”

If she still wants to wear the dress, then a family council or a fight with your mom is simply not worth it. You may need to figure out a way to overcome any embarrassment that you feel at your mom’s appearance, but ultimately what she wears should be her choice. The embarrassment that you feel is your problem, not hers. Chances are, though, if she knows you are apprehensive about the dress and willing to help her find a new one, she will agree.

When the House Is a Mess

You find that your 77-year-old mother’s house is often in disarray when you visit. You believe it’s time for her to make a change in her living arrangement. What do you say?

Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action. Avoiding diagnosing a problem and deciding on a solution quickly. Approach your mother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather that telling her what to do.

The specific circumstances – such as financial constraints – may be relevant. Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework or is she deteriorating mentally? Does she just need help tidying up around the house or are other aspects of her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill?

Assuming that the problem is physical – where activities such as vacuuming or bending are becoming issues – then begin the conversation with an offer: “Mom, I have some extra cash. What do you say we find someone to help you with the heavy stuff, like vacuuming? It will be my treat.” Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house. And most communities have ample resources such as cleaning services and companies like Home Instead Senior Care that can help.