The 70-40 Rule: Conversation Starters
Your 40-year-old daughter is hinting that it’s time for you to move from the family home. You know, without a doubt, that you want to stay put. How do you gather information to support your case and begin this discussion with your children?
The key question here is why your daughter thinks that it’s time for you to move. Are there legitimate safety issues? Are you leaving pots cooking on the stove? Do you have serious vision problems that impact driving? If the answer is yes, then your daughter may have a legitimate concern that needs to be addressed. So the first thing to do is to ask your daughter clearly and non-defensively for the reasons that she’s concerned. “I get the impression that you think I should move out of this house. I’d really like to talk openly about this situation, and ask you to explain the reasons why you think that.”
If the reasons are vague, don’t be afraid to press. For instance, “You can’t live here forever” isn’t a reason to move now. On the other hand “I don’t think your driving is safe” is a clear area in which you can begin to work together to understand whether your driving is safe. If you and your daughter decide you don’t think it is, investigate resources to help you get around while still living at home. The Home Instead Senior Care network, for instance, hires CAREGivers who can run errands or take you places. Try to make it a situation in which you and your daughter are working together to find a solution that keeps you both happy: “I think there are some ways I can keep living here that will make you comfortable with the situation. Let’s work on that, OK?”
Two months ago your daughter and her family bought the house next door. While you’re thrilled to have family close by, they have a key and drop by any time they want. How do you tell them to respect your privacy?
This is difficult because you don’t want to alienate your family or make them feel unwelcome. Try beginning as gently as you can. Something like: “Jennifer, you know I love having you guys close by, and I enjoy your company at home. But, there have been a couple of times when a little more warning would be nice. Do you think we can arrange for you to call before you come over? That way I can make sure I’m ready.”
You may get a response along the lines of ‘”Oh Mom, you don’t need to do anything to get ready for us!” If so, you’ll have to stay strong and be firm. “I know that. But I would like to just have a little warning that you’re coming over in case I’m napping or in the middle of something. I’d prefer it to you coming over unexpectedly. Can you give me a call before you come over?” This should do the trick. If they continue dropping by unexpectedly, repeat the conversation.