Fighting For Control

Control is an issue that often rears its head in family caregiving situations. Maybe you feel as though you’re in charge only to have your sibling come in and take over the situation. Or perhaps you feel as though no one can do the job like you. Sound familiar?

The Perfectionist

You’ve been the primary caregiver for your mom during the past year. Your siblings have offered to help, but it seems that if you want something done right, you must do it yourself. Your siblings just don’t seem as reliable. Your marriage, however, is beginning to suffer and you don’t know what to do.

It’s easy to feel that no one can do the job like you, particularly if you’ve always been the one that your mom counted on. Think about the fact, though, that your siblings might be feeling left out. They need to feel that they have contributed something to your mother’s care, too.

You should give up a little control for your own good as well as that of your mother and siblings. You will be no good to your mom if your health fails. And it’s likely that your mother would be upset to learn that she was the source of strife in your marriage.

Schedule a meeting or telephone conference with your siblings. Let them know that you would like to take them up on their offers for assistance. Tell each one of them what they can do to assist you and develop a schedule if appropriate.

Sister Act

You finally convinced your mother that she needs a little help at home, but then your sister visited from out-of-town and convinced Mom that she was fine. Now that sis is gone, you’re stuck doing all the extra work.

Sometimes siblings like to one-up each other in an effort to stay in control or have the last word, or they simply have a different take on the situation. Chances are this tendency dates to childhood. Why not make a list of all your mother’s needs and all that you are doing to meet those needs.

Schedule a time to meet with your sister or confer with her by telephone. Tell her that you are struggling to keep up with Mom’s care and then show her the list of all that you’re doing. Try not to be defensive. When she sees all of your mother’s needs in black and white, reality may sink in. Remember, even though your sister lives farther away, she may be in a position at some points to take turns assisting in the care of your mother.

Then, ask your sister what she would recommend. Try to keep an open mind while your sister shares her thoughts about the best ways to assist your mother.