The 50-50 Rule: Real Life Situations (Part 4)

The 50-50 Rule: Real Life Situations (Part 3)

Keeping Seniors Cool In Hot Weather

If you are a senior, or caring for an elderly individual, the following tips from your local Myrtle Beach Home Instead Senior Care office, will help them combat the heat:

1. It’s very important to stay hydrated in hot weather.
2. Keep a glass of water in every room to quickly and easily access fluids. Drink plenty of fluids, even if you don’t feel thirsty.
3. Go through the closet and remove all heavy materials, long sleeves and dark colors. Store them until fall.
4. Set fashion trends. If you’re in need of new clothes, check out the latest fashion magazines. Look for short sleeves, lightweight rayons or cottons, and light-colored clothing that reflect the heat.
5. Stay out of the sun during the hottest times of the day. Fill up your bird feeder in the morning and water the lawn at night. Sunburn makes the job of heat dissipation that much more difficult.
6. Put down that broom! Save household chores, particularly washing and drying clothes and operating the dishwasher, for evenings, when the weather is cooler.
7. Take a nap during high heat times – between 3 and 5 p.m. in the afternoon, for instance – or find a good television program or movie to watch.
8. While you’re napping or enjoying a movie, keep shades down and blinds pulled. Keeping a house tightly closed is more energy efficient.
9. Invite your friends over for an iced tea break. Replace coffee breaks with iced tea or lemonade breaks in an air-conditioned spot – not the patio. Staying in an air-conditioned dwelling during hot days is safer.
10. Go on a shopping spree. If you don’t have an air conditioner, or if yours is broken, spend the afternoon at the mall. You can shop or just enjoy cool drinks and a good book.
11. Put away that meat loaf recipe for the summer and track down new recipes for fruit and vegetable salads. Foods like proteins that increase metabolic heat production also increase water loss.
12. If increased use of a central air conditioning system causes higher utility bills that are a problem for your budget, consider purchasing a fan or small window unit that can cool down a home at a lower cost. In fact, window fans provide an effective way to exhaust the day’s hot air during the night.

For more information about the heat, visit the National Weather Service website at www.noaa.gov or the Federal Emergency Management Agency website at www.fema.gov.

The 50-50 Rule: Real-Life Situations (Part 2)

What’s Yours Is Mine

Family inheritances and mementos generate powerful emotional and financial attachments. What do you do when you and your siblings disagree on the family legacies? Check out these situations.

A Treasured Keepsake

You’ve always admired your mother’s sapphire broach, which she promised you several years ago. Likewise, your brother was counting on Dad’s expensive chain saw. But when your parents passed away, your youngest brother and his wife – who live in the same town – took it all. What do you do?

The high ground is to appreciate that your memories are the most important reminder of your mother and your relationship with her. If you can calmly talk to your brother and sister-in-law, try it. “You have no way of knowing this, but a year ago Mom promised me her sapphire broach. You have this item of Mom’s (assuming that the sister-in-law has some other possession of your mother’s). It would mean a lot to me to have the broach and comply with Mom’s wishes.” Hope for the best and take comfort that you tried and brought the issue to the forefront. That way the topic won’t fester and you don’t have to wonder. Encourage your brother to use a similar tactic regarding the chain saw.

If your sister-in-law won’t part with the broach, make the best of it. Try not to let it break up your relationship with your brother. Ask if you could borrow the pin to wear on special occasions. Also, take the pin to a professional photographer and have a close-up shot taken of the broach. Frame the photo and display it in a prominent place in your home. If you have a photo of your mother wearing the pin, display that in the same place. It won’t be the same as owning or wearing the pin, but at least you’ll have a remembrance of the memento.

Family Freeloader

No doubt about it, Dad is starting to need help at home. He’s saved plenty for this day but your brother, who lives with him, doesn’t want him to spend any of the money and, you suspect, it’s because he doesn’t want Dad to deplete your brother’s potential inheritance. And yet, little brother won’t lift a finger to help. What now?

The solution to this problem really rests with Dad, not your sibling. Your dad doesn’t feel motivated to spend the money despite knowing that help at home is a good idea.

Encourage your father to spend money to make his life easier and assure him that such spending is appropriate. Consider seeking the intervention of a trusted friend, another relative or a professional such as a financial advisor who could help you persuade Dad. Make clear your limitations in providing the support that your father can afford to pay for. Your brother may have an opinion, but it is your father who controls the finances.

In the meantime, try to reason with your brother. Make sure he knows you are aware of this situation and that you feel your father’s best interests must come first. At the same time, stress the importance of  teamwork and developing solutions that would make life easier for Dad.

One of the most complex aspects of multigenerational living is finances. Since your brother is living with your father, balancing the financial affairs of a multigenerational household should be approached in much the same way as a college roommate arrangement. The same is true of paying for living expenses; consider creating a common fund. For more information, log on to www.makewayformom.com

The 50-50 Rule: Real-Life Situations

These real-life family stories are followed by idea and resources for ways to handle the situations before they damage sibling relationships. Each is backed by research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care network in the U.S. and Canada. Responses were developed in cooperation with Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., sibling relationships expert from the University of Western Ontario.

Money Matters

The slow economy has taken a toll on many families, straining finances and relationships. Do you and your siblings disagree on how to approach money matters when it comes to family caregiving situations? If so, consider the following real-life family solutions. Research shows that the inability to work together in important areas such as money can lead to a deterioration of sibling relationships.

Payment Overdue

You and your brother have just discovered a pile of overdue bills, spoiled food in the refrigerator and magazines stacked ceiling high at your parents’ house. Your brother loses his cool and practically demands that they move to a nursing home. Your parents are visibly upset. You want the continued help and support of your brother. What do you do?

Approach your parents and brother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling them what to do. Is the problem that your parents don’t have the money? Or are they just unable to manage the bill-paying anymore? Speak to your parents about the issues that are relevant to avoid family conflict.

After accessing the situation, talk with your brother and suggest what seems like a reasonable course of action to you. Be sure to ask his opinion as well. One solution is to set your parents up on automatic bill-paying through their bank or take over payment of their bills. If you and your brother disagree, try to find a compromise. Offer the help you deem appropriate to your parents. A united front is the ideal course of action, unless you and your brother feel it would be best if you spoke to Mom and Dad on your own. Both you and your parents will benefit by keeping your brother engaged in the process in a positive way.

Do what you can to maintain a relationship with your brother. Siblings are sometimes the only family relationships that endure. Friendships from our early lives often don’t last. So there is a depth of empathy we can tap into that goes back to that childhood relationship. That sibling relationship will continue after your parents are gone. Research suggests that siblings don’t want to harm their relationships with each other.

Recession Bust

The economy has taken its toll on your parents’ retirement nest egg, which they worked so hard to build. You and your four siblings are doing well financially, but no one is stepping up to the plate to help Mom and Dad. What’s the solution?

Initially, this calls for a conversation between yourself and your parents. Awareness of your parents’ financial situation is critical. Parents can feel like they are giving up their independence and privacy is they discuss that information. In terms of harmony among siblings, it’s better if everyone has the same information.

You could discuss an agreement where you will help your parents out financially now, on the understanding that they will pay you back through your inheritance. If they agree, you could share your agreement with your siblings so that they know in advance. They could be invited to be part of the agreement as well. Seek the advice of a professional like a lawyer or financial advisor about how best to make this financial arrangement.

Remind your siblings of the impact that the current economic situation has had on seniors like your parents. Older U.S. adults have lost almost one quarter of their buying power since 2000, according to the Annual Survey of Senior Costs released in 2010 by The Senior Citizens League (TSCL), a senior advocacy group.

In Canada, according to the Office of the Superintendent of Bankruptcy Canada, the share of insolvent consumers for people 55 and up has more than quadrupled in the past decade, hitting 20.6% last year. This was the steepest increase for all age groups. The office compiled the findings based on annual numbers between 1989 and 2009.

If your siblings understand, they may get a better grasp of what your family is facing and be more willing to pitch in to help.

The 50-50 Rule: Sharing The Care

Sharing isn’t always easy for brothers and sisters who grew up under the same roof. Divvying up the wealth of toys, bedrooms or vehicles may have been a challenge at your house, and sharing the daily household chores could have led to family conflicts as well.

Some things never change.

According to research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care network, sharing the care of elderly parents can be as much of an obstacle for adult siblings. In 43% of U.S. families and 41% of Canadian families, one sibling has the responsibility for providing most or all of the care for Mom or Dad, according to a survey of family caregivers. In only 2% of families in the U.S. and 3% in Canada did the siblings split the caregiving responsibility equally.

“Senior caregiving can either bring families together or cause brother and sister conflict,” says sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario. “In some cases it can do both. These issues can be very emotional.”

Connidis has worked with the Home Instead Senior Care network to develop the 50-50 Rule public education program to help siblings deal with the many issues of caring for a parent. The following are tips on how siblings can better share the care:

1. Talk and listen. Research shows that parents care a lot about maintaining independence, often to the point that they also forfeit getting more support. That’s why it’s important to communicate, preferably before your family is in the throes of caregiving.

2. Research options. When you and your siblings have identified the types of services, interventions or care options that your senior needs, look for organizations and resources that can help you meet those needs. Discuss with your siblings who in the family will handle this job. Try to divide the tasks so everyone has input and the opportunity to share their ideas. A good place to start is by doing online research on websites such as www.eldercare.gov and www.caring.com.

3. Plan ahead. When needs and resources are identified, you and your siblings will have a better idea what will be required of your family. For example, if your mother wants to stay at home and “age in place,” consider whether someone in the family will be supplementing that care of if you will divide those duties among siblings.

4. Be flexible. Needs of a senior change as they age. So do the lives of you and your siblings. Rather than insisting that all of the caregiving tasks be divided equally, consider a division of labor that takes into account each family member’s interests and skills, as well as their availability.

5. Be honest. If you have become the primary caregiver and it’s getting to be too much, make sure your siblings know that you need help. Discuss specific tasks that your brother or sister can help you with such as grocery shopping or placing online orders. If you are a long-distance sibling, check in often with the primary caregiver to see how it’s going.

The 50-50 Rule: Introduction

This online guide is designed to help adult siblings and their aging parents deal with those sensitive situations that arise among brothers and sisters as their parents age and need assistance. This guide will cover a variety of sibling caregiving topics such as: How do you divide workload with your sister? What’s the best way to build teamwork with your brothers? How can you reach an agreement as a family on important topics to avoid family conflict?

Based on research and experience, the Home Instead Senior Care Myrtle Beach recommends that siblings make every effort to work with their parents to make decisions about important family matters such as caring for a parent, family inheritance, finances, and end-of-life issues such as estate planning.

The “50-50 Rule” refers to the average age when siblings are caring for their parents (50) as well as the need for brothers and sisters to share in the plans for care (50/50). The program is a follow-up to the organization’s successful “40-70 Rule” program, which encourages adult 40-year-old children to begin discussions on sensitive subjects with their 70-year-old parents sooner rather than later.

This guide features real-life family situations followed by ideas and resources to address those topics. These case studies were developed with input from sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario.

The stakes are high – sibling relationships and the quality of their parents’ care are at risk. But with new approaches and a focus on building better family relationships, caregiving can make families stronger than ever. Tune in next week for the next installment of The 50-50 Rule!

Returning Home: A Support System

What happens when seniors returning home have no one there to help them recuperate? Seniors going home to an empty house can be in danger, both physically and emotionally, and represent a concern for many senior care professionals, such as case managers, who are managing their care.

It’s common for discharge planners to tell families that their loved one will require 24-hour care initially and then adjust the schedule according to the patient’s needs. If that’s the message you receive, it’s important to discern with the discharge planner what that really means. Sometimes all that’s needed for your senior in those first few hours and days is overnight assistance and a few additional hours during the day. On the other hand, you don’t want to leave your senior vulnerable if he or she could be at risk alone.

Ask the doctor to be specific about the kinds of support your senior will need during the day, whether he or she can be left alone during the day and night, and what the risks are during those first few hours and days at home.

Planing for whatever help you’ll need is an important step to take very early in this process. In talking with a senior about the amount of care needed at home, encourage your loved ones to be realistic.

As a family caregiver, don’t assume that caregiving will be easy or even possible if you’re living elsewhere or managing a demanding career and other obligations.

“We have a very mobile population of adult children who often don’t live near their parents.” LaNita Knoke, President of the American Association of Managed Care Nurses, said. I’ve worked with seniors who were adamant that they would be fine when they returned home. That older adult will say, ‘My daughter is coming for two weeks.’ But often that daughter cannot be there for the important discharge process not can she stay as long as her parent might need help.”

Returning Home: What You’ll Need

Hospital and facility staffs can direct you to the types of equipment you will need to get those important supplies, whether you must have a prescription and if the equipment is generally covered by insurance.

Depending on his or her condition, following are possible supplies that your loved one could need at home:

• Wheelchair
• Hospital Bed
• Walker or Cane
• Raise Toilet Seat
• Shower Chair or Bath Bench
• Bedside Commode
• Grab Bars
• Colostomy Care Supplies
• Oxygen
• I-V Equipment
• Lift Chair
• Hoyer Lift
• Disposable Gloves & Incontinence Briefs

You may hear the term “durable medical equipment,” which is medical equipment such as walkers, wheelchairs or hospital beds. Generally, anyone who has Medicare Part B can get durable medical equipment as long as the equipment is medically necessary.

Having everything ready in advance will help ensure that the discharge process runs more smoothly and efficiently.

Returning Home: Ask Questions

Even before you know low long a loved one might need to be in a hospital or facility, start working with medical professionals. Get the lay of the land, as they say. Early on, it’s important to ask questions – and lots of them – of key people caring for your older loved one.

The questions and the answers you receive will help determine what that older adult will need at home and the schedule he or she must follow for a smooth transition. Some of the questions can be difficult to ask such as, “Will my loved one ever be the same?” But it will be vital to know the answers if that senior can expect the best possible outcome.

The Right Questions

Ask your medical team – whether it’s doctors, nurses or rehabilitation professionals – these questions about your senior:

• What time of day does the doctor make rounds so I won’t miss him or her with my questions?
• What is the prognosis? What is the likely outcome? Will my loved one recover?
• How long will my senior be in the hospital or facility?
• What condition will my senior likely be in when released?
• Will my loved one go straight home or go to another facility?
• How much will my loved one be able to do when he gets home?
• What are the warning signs that my loved one needs help?
• Can my loved one be home alone? If not, how much help will she need and for how long?
• If I am the primary caregiver, how much help will I need?
• What type of equipment – and care – will my loved one need at home?
• Will I need a prescription for any of this equipment or care?
• How many follow-up appointments will be needed and how soon do you need to see my loved one?

Social workers and case managers can help put a discharge plan into action. A social worker is a professional who provides counseling, guidance and assistance, and can help a senior focus on his or her environment. Social workers often work hand-in-hand with case managers who assist in the planning, coordination, monitoring and evaluation of medical services for a patient with an emphasis on quality care.

You can ask these professionals:

• Where do I go to set up durable power of attorney for health care?
• Who is assigned to my loved one’s care?
• What is the best facility for my senior if he can’t go directly home?
• What will my loved one’s insurance cover?
• Do I have options, and what are they?
• Will my loved one need home health care or palliative or hospice care and, if so, will I need a prescription?
• Will my senior need support for activities of daily living?
• What if my loved one is the one returning home and she’s been caring for her spouse with dementia? How do I get them both help?
• What are the best resources that can meet my loved one’s needs?
• Where do I go to find these resources?
• Where can I find the equipment that I need?
• If it’s not covered by insurance, how much will it cost and are alternative funding sources available?
• If my loved one needs in-home care, what are my options?

When you know the score, it’s time to begin planning just what your loved one needs to return home safely.